please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
