Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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