yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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