I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
