when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
