If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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