Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
