i permit you to call me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
