I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
