Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
