If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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