i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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