Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
