Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
