Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
