Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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