Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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