They should really pass out barf bags in church
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
