Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
