hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
