see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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