Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
