last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
