I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
