Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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