I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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