i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
