Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
