the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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