I wish I only lived at night.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
