I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
