we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
