The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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