really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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