stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
