Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
