I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
