Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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