The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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