yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
