I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
