so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
