I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
