WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
