Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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