Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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