If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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