did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
