watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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