is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
