Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
