i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
